Your Guide to Training a Zombie
by variabler
Summary: This is your guide, to gaining an undead ally, to help you in the apocalypse
1. How To Capture a Zombie

I know it's a little unorthodox, or whatever, but I just felt I needed to make this

Chapter 1: How to capture a Zombie

Step 1: The best way to capture a zombie is to set a trap using a basic tree trap, using a short rope lasso and any nearby tree that is easily bent.

Step 2: Make sure you tie the end of the lasso to the top of the tree and place the loop on the ground.

Step 3: Lure the zombie into the trap using yourself or other live bait. NOTE: make sure you're a good runner. Otherwise, spend a few minutes at your local gym.

Step 4: Subdue the zombie without rekilling it. The best way to do this would probably be to damage the brain by poking it with a long metal object such as a thin pipe. NOTE: This method is not proven and may rekill the zombie.

Step 5: A: Tightly secure the zombie, put it in a large cage and try to examine the zombie's normal behavioral patterns while trying to stay out of sight. NOTE: You must keep a weapon with you at ALL times while the zombie is in custody. (Or) B: Immediately call the police and/or military and they will take it from there. Make sure you tie the zombie with rope and gag it with any available hankercheif or leftover rope.

That should cover the steps to capturing the zombie. Next chapter: Studying the Monster


	2. Studying the Monster

Chapter 2: Studying the Monster

Step 1: always keep a safe distance, or as an alternative to the cage, keep the zombie in a large room that you can look into from a one-way window

Step 2: watch out for any behavioral patterns that can be used to better understand the zombie

Step 3: make sure that the zombie is well fed. The zombie will not live long enough to be fully studied, provided the zombie is even alive at all

Step 4: once any behavioral patterns have been analyzed, it may be easier to research the creature

Step 5: try and find a way to trick the zombie to get a saliva sample. Autopsy reports on the movie website shows that salivary glands have ceased to produce, but if necessary, kill the zombie to figure out how the virus takes affect from the zombies' teeth

Step 6: if the virus has been successfully researched, proceed to Step 7. Otherwise, keep making attempts at a sample of the virus

Step 7: once the virus is analyzed, attempt to make a vaccine. Do not be discouraged if the vaccine fails

Step 8: as in Chapter 1, attempt to damage the Zombies brain to knock it unconscious for a bit and secure it as tight as possible using strong ropes or other binding material that can hold it down, and gag it with the strongest gagging object you've got. Even if you pull out its teeth, there's no way to tell if it can still transmit the virus

That should cover this chapter. Next chapter: The Zombie Trainer- you!


	3. The Zombie Trainer you

Chapter 3: The Zombie Trainer- you!

Step 1: The zombie mind may be infected, but it is still intact. Find out how to train your zombie by wearing a bio suit or other protective material that the zombie cannot bite into

Step 2: Zombies may need a bit of abuse to train properly, such as a lion, for example. Do not let the zombie get a good hold on you, and make sure you come prepared

Step 3: Possibly the best way to teach your zombie who's boss is to get a mallet or metal sledgehammer, and hit it in the head a few times

Step 4: You may want to give the zombie 'treats' to help train it, such as a severed ear or toes (disgusting, but effective)

Step 5: If the zombie begins to slow down the attacks as you enter its cage/room, the training is beginning to work, but you still have a long way to go

Step 6: Never abuse the zombie too much, or it may start attacking you again

Step 7: If you do not keep it properly fed, even if fully trained, the zombie will eventually die. Keep it living with fresh sacks of flesh, or let it bite the decayed skin off other zombies

Step 8: Always make sure your zombie is happy, by letting it 'off the chain' for awhile, but keep it under control by keeping it away from large amounts of other humans

That's it for training your zombie. Next chapter: Controlling your Zombie


	4. Controlling your Zombie

I've noticed I have gotten almost 200 hits, but only 2 reviews. This will be my last chapter until I get at least 10 reviews. Flames, suggestions, praise, I don't care what the review has in it, just as long as I get some reviews.

Chapter 4: Controlling your Zombie

Step 1: Never let your zombie get too close to large groups of humans. The smell of flesh will affect the zombie, and eventually cause him to attack.

Step 2: Attempt to teach the zombie to communicate with you with low growls and fake moans

Step 3: Teach the zombie that attacking other zombies is a good thing by giving him treats after he attacks a 'practice zombie'

Step 4: For more advanced teachings, you may need a giant foam finger. When facing the zombie, point in different directions, and the zombie may follow the direction the foam finger is pointing

Step 5: In battle, point the foam finger in the direction of a nearby zombie, and your zombie will attack the opposing zombie. The foam finger may be weird, but possibly necessary

Step 6: If the zombie begins to seem smarter, it will be easier to teach the zombie new stuff, such as leaping onto the enemy zombie. To do this, thrust your hand into the air and allow the foam finger to slide off your hand, and onto the ground

Step 7: If the zombie seems to get a bit rowdy, it is trying to break away from your control. Regain control over your zombie by A: feeding it flesh or with a treat, or B: hit it in the head with a mallet

That's pretty much it for this chapter. Next chapter: The Final Chapter: BATTLE!


	5. Combat

Well, I've finally gotten 10 reviews, and as a good writer, will respond to them all

marcus-reloaded: Yeah pretty much.

MomochiNaruto: Weather or not the frontal lobe was rumored to have 'melted', the zombie can still be trained.

1965 Mustang: Wow, now there's a compliment if I've ever seen one. Sorry about any grammar mistakes, and I don't think you'd want to bathe a rotten corpse. And I'm not referring to any missing body parts, I'm talking about… uh.. Look, I am trying to keep this a K+ rating, so do not ask!

SuperSanne: Thanks.

E.V.A.Graebel: Well how else are you going to teach the brute a lesson?

Dragonfly2003: Hey, that giant foam finger will be more useful than you think.

Sayiea: Yeah, it could be pretty useful, provided you're not a zombie before you can put it to work.

Kuroneko Ketsueki: Just be sure to use the guide, should the time come.

Hazel Eyes Jade: Thanks for the compliment.

Penguinfragger: Nice name. Where'd you get it?

Emerald Princess3: yeah, I'd say so too.

And that's it for the reviews. Now here's what you've all been waiting for. Sorry for the delay though, I've been busy

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Step 1: go towards the center of an infested city, and wait for a zombie attack, while having your trained zombie stand guard. Note: You MUST have a pistol, shotgun, or other gun with you at ALL times.

Step 2: If you see an enemy zombie ready to attack, do not send your zombie to attack the enemy zombie, as this will leave you extremely vulnerable to a surprise attack.

Step 3: If you get surrounded by a horde of zombies, you will have an advantage over them. They will only aim for you, and not your zombie. Use this to your advantage by shooting at the zombies while your zombie defends you from zombies coming up behind you.

Step 4: Your zombie has the same athletic skills as any other zombie. Possibly more, because zombies can be known to 'evolve' and learn like a human.

Step 5: Do not try to snipe away at the zombies, as they can smell your flesh. If they sense you while your trying to snipe the zombies, they WILL kill you, seeing as you can't shoot at something 2 feet away with a sniper gun.

Step 6: If your gun runs out of ammo, use your gun as a physical weapon and start batting the zombie's heads when they get close.

Step 7: If you can find a better weapon then an ammo-less gun, use that weapon instead. Example: Stop sign.

Step 8: If possible, look for any surviving humans. If you find any, get them away from the city with the human. Make sure he/she is NOT infected.

Step 9: If the human faints, you must be ready to kill him immediately, should he attack you when he gets back up. If the human attacks you, he has just become a member of the undead.

Step 10: And the final step, Never allow a zombie to bite you. Any and every bite is a death sentence. Even if its only a little nibble into your pinky toe, you WILL be infected, and WILL become a zombie.


	6. Author's Note

Author's Note

Hey guys, fans and whoever it is who put this into their C2, I'm going to be doing a complete do-over on this fic! This time it'll have better grammar, it'll make more sense, and it may even have a new chapter! Just to keep the original an… original I suppose, I WON'T replace the chapters in this story, but create new ones from scratch! You can expect the first chapter some time next week.


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